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 Cult Humor
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Your Online Pesonal Guru
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Don't Forget To Laugh!This page is a resource for the 21st century aspiring bohemian and nouveau hippy. gu-ru –noun (traditional) 1. Hinduism. a preceptor giving personal religious instruction.(Sanskrit origin - venerable, weighty) 2.(contemporary)A title which inspires subservience to and blind faith in practically any individual it is bestowed upon within the Krishna Consciousness spiritual movement regardless of their involvement in corruption, embezzlement, deceptive fundraising, drug use/dealing, sexual abuse of women and children, violence, intimidation and/or murder(western origin 1966 ) 3. A position attained by an individual through the consensus of those he has independently managed to convince that he is a medium of Krishna Himself and purveyor of the Absolute Truth. In the quest to discover a spiritual existence one is directed through the most ancient revealed scripture of the Vedas to seek a Guru or Spiritual Master to guide them. It is stated that: "By the grace of God one gets Guru and by the grace of Guru one gets God." The qualities of a bonafide (genuine) spiritual master, capable of liberating others from the bondage of material existence are many including :
Non attatchment to material posessions or sense gratification.
Only accepting what it pleasing to Krishna and renouncing all else - having no involvement in affairs such as business, war or politics Tolerant of the ever changing nature of the material world. Compassionate towards all living beings. Humility - devoid of all sense of pride and ego. Respect towards all others, averse to fault-finding. Is always engaged in the service of Krishna - chanting, worshipping the deities, disributing food (prashadam) and books and other good works. Surrender to his own spiritual master before him |
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Your Personal Online Guru In this increasingly hectic world few people have the time to seek out enlightenment and answers to the great mysteries of the universe. However there is no need to despair and relent in your lowly, abominable mundane existence. Due to the advancement of internet technology we have condensed the wisdom of Siddha's teachings into this convenient online feature. The meaning of life is now just a button click away! (Warning: Please refrain from asking stupid questtions; Note: All questions are stupid) 
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Armageddon
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Bird Flu ClockThe current worldwide death toll from recent bird flu outbreaks is 113 inching daily towards it's target of 6 billion. So we ALL must start digging our new homes, our trusty bunkers and start purchasing our extremist survivalist kits. Never mind the fact that you are more likely to die of lung cancer whilst being hurtled across the sky in a tornado, or slipping innocently on a slug in the garden and cracking your skull on a sinister looking garden knome, or you are more likely to die falling in a hole designed to trap bears which has already proved successful in capturing a lion earlier in the day. No! The birds, much like the Alfred Hitchcock movie baring the same title, are out to get us. Don't be fooled by their innocent chicken dance performed only to calm and dispel the widespread panic whilst plans are arranged to carry out mass chicken hoarde attacks once your back is turned! e afraid! Be morbidly afraid! |
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 Famous Chris Butler Quotes
“ You are all demons, you are just like f###king ISCON, You’re all condemned!!!” “I am not condemning you, you are condemning yourself.” “My Godbrothers in Iskcon are clumps of dog stool.” “ If I don’t want to answer you, you are at fault not me.” “If you don’t know you are not supposed to know.” “Tell that a-hole the only way he can come to a gathering is if he pays 100 dollars each time.” “Tell a-hole I changed my mind, he has to pay 1,000 dollars every gathering he comes to.” “As soon as you realize you have nothing to offer me and you don’t know anything maybe then I can teach you something.” “It is your fault, the guru is faultless.” “My disciples make me sick.” “You would think with 25 kitchen servants and 35 preparations a day, spending over a hundred dollars a meal, you a##holes could make something good to eat. Instead I have to go to a Chinese restaurant to get a bite to eat. A-holes!!!” “You fool don’t say the metal detectors are to detect guns, say they are to detect beeper watches, you know what a great offense it is to wear one near me. Oh I am so irritated by that sound!!!” “Damn it keep your gun in your bead bag. That’s what it is for idiot!! You probably thought you were supposed to keep beads in that bag. Fool!!! I have to teach you guys everything!!!” “WTF is a##hole doing here, tell him to get the f##k out of here.” “Tell J--- I don’t want to see his face, but because I have to talk to him and deal with him, he can wear a bag over his head, then I don’t have to see his face.” “I am more humble than anyone, even my own guru.” “Damn bogus guru! They all have guruitis.” “My disciples all have guruitis too!!!” “My disciples are all f###king neophytes.” “Everyone has guruitis but me and VD.” “Insulting VD is worse than insulting me you idiot.” “Are those a-holes still running that store in Lahaina, why don’t they give it to DTE, a-holes--- and they call themselves my disciples make all kinds of money while their kids skate and surf, a-holes, they should give it to me.” “WTF!!!!.. you guys have been working on getting this house together for 6 weeks now. You expect me to live here after you shit all over it??? You missed a space there dumb shit, cover it with tin foil so I can live here in peace. Straighten out your germ mask idiot.” “Tell Sankirtan das to stay out of my house, he has dirt between his toes.” “Tell Wayne and Krishna das, WTF, I let them get into politics and now they act just like politicians!!!! They became politicians those buttheads!!” ‘ I let my disciples dress like karmis and materialist and now they act like karmis and materialists, a-holes.” “Call the head of personal service, everyone fast for 6 months, the milk in the refregerator is out of date. Call a meeting world wide. Tell the head of personal service to get her ass here right now!! WTF is this hair doing in my soup gaddamit. Tell everyone fast for a year, six months is too lenient. Tell the head of personal service not only must she fast from food and water she has to fast from sleep too!!!” Get that sh###t out of here, you call that prasadam, a-holes!!!” Everyone is fined 1,000 dollars each.!!!” “ You spend a fuggen 100,000 dollars on this air machine and I still have to use an oxygen bottle, can’t you guys do anything right??” “What you expect me to breath common air?? A-holes!!” “What? Just because you come here and clean my floor and wash my dishes, eat my toenails and drink my footwater you think you have the right to talk to me, write me a letter a-hole.” “The only person I can trust is VD.” “The guru is never attached to the opposite sex.” “Where is VD, I have not seen her in the last 10 minutes.” “What you think I spend all my time with my wife because I am attached? A-hole this is pure devotional service, me and VD will serve together in the spiritual world too you envious snake!!” "The pure devotee is peaceful and does not need anything or anyones service, he has Krsna.” "The pure devotee is self satisfied, always peaceful and never troubled by the duality of the world.” “The servant of Krishna has no enemies.” “What is that A-hole doing here, I told him get the hell out of Hawaii and go back to New Zealand.” “Ok you can take off the bag now, I think you learned your lesson.” |
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